Author: David Fairchild

1. Traffic Cops. These individuals are well meaning dragons that
come to church not to serve, but to control the serving. You’re
certain one day they will show up with white gloves and a whistle so
they can direct traffic.

2. Seismologists. These are walking Richter scales, gifted in the
art of fault finding. If they don’t feel a quake, they’ll shake the room.

3. Umpires. These individuals enjoy calling the shots. They expect
hustle from the team while they watch with a critical eye. Usually
umpires have no interest in dialogue once they have made their call.
Issues are black and white, and truth is as true as they see it.

4. Taxidermists. These individuals enjoy taking dead controversies
and issues and stuffing them with artificial importance to make them
appear lifelike. Instead of letting things die, the taxidermist will
attempt to preserve a matter as long as possible.

5. Stenographers. These individuals are often friends with
seismologists and taxidermists. They are very perceptive and record
every discussion in earshot for the purpose of reproducing their notes
without the expressed written consent of the one giving their testimony.

6. Town Criers. These individuals take it upon themselves to make
announcements or proclamations either by speaking loudly in public
places or simply shouting in the streets. Town Criers are often very
committed to the church and assume their role is irreplaceable. Who
would know anything without them?

7. Morticians. Morticians are often friends with taxidermists.
These individuals thoroughly enjoy dressing up corpses. They revere
pastors who served before you and subtly communicate that you’ll never
be as attractive until your dead and under their care. Morticians
attempt to hide decay and death behind a façade of rosy-cheeked make up.

8. Curators. Curators are guardians and superintendents of minor
religious artifacts. They spend their entire life dusting and
polishing insignificant secondary doctrinal issues and can not
understand for the life of them why others don’t have the same
passion. Curators prefer time alone with their rapture theories or
theonomic plans to rule the world. Please be advised, curators are
often socially awkward and may resort to theological turrets and blurt
obscure passages of scripture while using multi-syllabic words that
end in “ism,” “logy” or “ist.”

9. Astronomers. These individuals often find themselves gazing at
far off issues that don’t seem to have much relevance at the moment.
Astronomers are usually more concerned with what might happen at
another church while forgetting their call to serve the one they
attend. So interested in otherworldly matters, they often have
difficulty connecting to people on their own planet.

10. Synchronized Swimming Coaches. These individuals were left last
because their event is often given the 3 am time slot for the
Olympics. Next to the wildly popular Canadian sport of curling, this
may be the most unimportant activity in the history of mankind.
However, these coaches are confident that their particular ministry
has just not received the right support, but if they did, the entire
globe would be changed by the mere sight of their pinched-nosed water
ballet. SSC’s are constantly on the lookout for ministries that are
completely irrelevant to the vision and mission of the church. SSC’s
politicize their case persistently until someone gives them their much
needed attention. Shortly after they make repeated attempts to convert
every other ministry and absorb all additional resources to their pet
cause. If their ministry fails to deliver the global impact it
promised, blame is immediately assigned to the church leaders and
administrator for not granting a larger line-item on the budget.

*Disclaimer: These metaphors are in no way intended to diminish the
value of thee careers mentioned (with the exception of the
synchronized swimming coach).